Thanks England, you have cured me of my misguided belief in "Global Warming" - Al Gore never visited Edinburgh.

I'm a big dude, I prefer seats on the tube that have no arms (I call them Thalidomide seats), so I can fit my hips in, invariably though the tube gets crowded and some fucker will come and sit next to me, which is why I like having porn video's on my phone. At least thats what I told my my girlfriend.

England; Home of the B.O.G.O.F!! "Buy One Get One Free!" We don't have that back home, we have B.O.O.F.O! "Buy One Or Fuck Off!" Of course that is usually followed by "Thank you - please come again".

Some hotels in Europe have Bidet's... after the first 20 minutes, it's not really about cleaning your butt.

Sesame Street wouldn't have worked in Roman times. "Todays show is proudly brought to you by the letter "M" and by the number.... "M".." 

A "menorah" is a seven or nine branched candelabra used by Jewish people during certain celebrations and events, not to be confused with a Labia Minora... if you are near one and find a wick - DONT LIGHT IT!

I wear a tuxedo on stage because I thought thats what everyone in London wore... don't I feel like a twat!?

I'd heard that Londoners quite often masturbate wearing a top hat and a monacle because it's classier... I thought "Flash Wankers"

 As part of a recent troupe of performers booked "down the line" I (being the only performer of colour) was told that I had to park in the back of the building. Out the back, with the rubbish bins, filled with commercial waste, where the sewer pipes pour out of the building like mince from a meat grinder, thats where I had to park, in what was essentially the buildings anus. I had to park there, like some brown skid mark on the underpants of society.

After 2 weeks in London, I have learned to Lip Read! Thanks Babe Channel!! Some of my first efforts
(mouthing the words silently) "All over my tits..."
   "In my mouth..."
Yeah, laugh it up, but if you understood it, you've watched it too - no doubt while wearing your top hat's and monacles.

New Zealand scored more points than Italy and France in the World Cup, to be fair though the French players did go on strike, given their huge loss perhaps they should have gone on defence instead? Unfortunately, "French Defence" is "I give up". I was in the NZ army and we bought a lot of French weapons, we got a great deal on the second hand rifles, they had never been fired and only dropped once!

English players during the world cup had their hotel rooms ransacked by staff of the hotel, how unfortunate, during the one tournament being robbed once by hotel staff and again by not having video referee's.

English footballer Frank Lampard had a goal denied, he got quite upset about it and the rest of the country and fans followed suit. But surely thats not the first time an English footballer crossed the line, it been caught on camera but nothing happened?

We're all familiar with cougars, but a new threat stalks the streets - Dragons! Basically a "Dragon" is a cougars mum! Women over the age of 60 out on a cock hunt! How scary would that be being cornered by one of them? 
"Hello sonny! Fancy a lap waltz?"
"Who's your nanny!?"
"What's my name! What's my name! No seriously... what's my name?"

Why is it that when your partner gets pregnant everyone rubs her tummy and congratulates her... no one pats my balls and says "Well done!" to me?